


"I can't be here."

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker | Sebastien le Livre-centric, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Torture, Reunions, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: They're reunited after a century but maybe things aren't that simple.“I can’t be here.”“Why not?” she questions, rising to her feet and crossing her arms over her chest.“I don’t want to hate you.”It comes out of nowhere and Joe almost loses his footing despite being firmly planted on the spot.
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Everyone
Comments: 13
Kudos: 142





	"I can't be here."

The century passes in what simultaneously feels like the blink of an eye and a milenia. The passage of time is an interesting thing, or rather, the perception of it is. But Joe tries not to dwell on it and instead lets his legs carry him onwards. The air feels more pure since the last time they were here and he takes a deep breath, hoping that the feeling will be symbolic of what they’re approaching. 

Andy leads them down the stairs, arm linked with Quynh’s and Joe is incredibly relieved that she’s here to walk along with them. They still don’t have an explanation for how she regained her immortality but Joe has never been the one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He notices Andy quickening her steps before he sees why, but when he does he can’t keep the smile off his face as he too hastens. 

There he is. He looks the exact same and when he sees them, he smiles and Joe is once again reminded of how much he loves his brother. He watches as Booker clings onto Andy, eyes squeezed shut as his lips move too quickly for him to read them but as he gets closer he hears the jumbled sentences in a mixture of languages. He sounds happy. 

“Hi.” Booker says to the rest of them, reluctantly letting go of Andy, “It’s good to see you.” 

“You too.” Nicky sounds breathless and then he lurches forward to embrace him too.

They take their turns, wrapping themselves around Booker as they tell him how they’ve missed him. It’s lovely and Joe can barely keep his tears at bay and when they walk back up the stairs, all together this time, he holds Booker’s hand. It’s warm in his grip and he catches his eyes a few times as they walk and although he can see the sadness lingering in them, the relief is far more visible. 

It’s surprisingly easy to fall into old habits and Joe is pleased to see Booker adapt to the new ones. He and Quynh had a strange bond, formed in the time when she first got out and was still reeling with rage and insanity. Booker had managed to make her mellow out before they reunited with the rest of them and they will always be eternally grateful for it. They had sent him away back then, the wounds still too fresh but Booker had understood. Joe remembers how he’d kissed Quynh’s forehead and told them to take care of each other until next time before leaving. 

And they had, and it seemed that Booker had taken Nile’s playful threat to heart and stopped drinking. He seemed happier now and although Joe wishes he could have been before, that what happened a century ago wouldn’t have transpired, he was glad that Booker seemed better now, 

He laughed along to their stories but Joe caught how his eyes would occasionally darken as he listened. But Joe didn’t hold it against him, he understood that this all must be conflicting to experience and he could tell Booker was trying to handle it. He didn’t share much of what he’d been up to in their time apart but they had plenty of time, they’d get him to tell them about it eventually. 

One night, they decide to have a small party, celebrating a mission well done. They’re in Spain, renting a summer house and they sit around a fire on the beach and grill marshmallows. Nile and Quynh had started early and are well past drunk and although Joe is pleased with Booker’s sobriety, he can’t help but miss the times when his drunkenness would fall into a more happy and mischievous one. The antics he’d get into those times had been hilarious to watch and it had been impressive how even as he’d slur his words he’d still manage to convince them to go along with whatever ridiculous plan he came up with. 

“Quynh, she-” Nile hiccuped as she leaned heavily into Booker’s side, “She ate it while it was still on fire.” 

Booker caught Joe’s gaze with an amused but confused expression and he couldn’t help but laugh at the sight before clarifying what the youngest was talking about, “The first time Quynh had marshmallows, she didn’t realise it was supposed to  _ not  _ be burning.” 

“To be fair,” Nicky cut in, “we didn’t really explain it properly.”

“It was hilarious!” Nile exclaimed and clumsily ducked out of the way when Quynh threw her stick at her like a miniature spear, “I still can’t believe how long it took for us to introduce her to it.” 

“About seventy years, was it not?” Andy said as she wrangled Quynh into her lap so she wouldn’t launch herself onto Nile. Those two really enjoyed brawling. 

Booker didn’t say a word for the rest of the night, no matter how much they tried to pull him back into the conversation. His gaze was hard and posture stiff when he excused himself to bed early. None of them knew what was going on but they didn’t want to press, they’d talk to him in the morning to make sure everything was alright. 

It becomes obvious that it’s not when Booker comes out of his room the next day fully dressed with a go bag slung over his shoulder. Joe turns from where he’s making his sandwich and he sees the others snap out of their drowsy states at the sight of him. 

“I have to go.” Booker says softly, refusing to meet any of their eyes.

“Where to?” Andy asks, eyebrows raised in confusion, “Why?” 

“I can’t be here.” 

“Why not?” she questions, rising to her feet and crossing her arms over her chest. 

“I don’t want to hate you.” 

It comes out of nowhere and Joe almost loses his footing despite being firmly planted on the spot.

“What are you talking about?” Nile asks, voice weak in a way it’s usually not. 

“I was captured.” Booker says and fidgets uncomfortably on the spot. 

Joe is too stunned to find any words and it seems like the rest of them are too. The way Booker is speaking, it’s too neutral, almost numb, but it has a heaviness to it as well, like he’s carried it for way too long. Joe is starting to realise they really should start pressing when it comes to Booker, he always holds too much in, always has and seemingly always will. 

“It took years before I managed to escape and I thought you would save me. I thought you’d keep an eye on me like I had on you.” Booker continues quickly, as if afraid he wouldn’t be able to say it otherwise. “But you didn’t and I don’t blame you.” he sounds like he means it but he still won’t look at them. 

“When was this?” it feels like the wrong thing to ask but Joe needs to know.

“Thirty two years ago.” 

“Shit.” 

“Watching you all like this-” he trails off but he finally looks up, eyes distant and glassy, “all it makes me think of is how you must have been like this while they were carving me open, flooding my veins with poison and beating me to a pulp. I need time, I don’t want to hate you.” 

“I’m sorry.” Nicky says weakly.

“I know that. I know that if you knew you would have helped me.” despite the conviction of the words, he says them like a question.

“Of course we would have.” Joe rushes to assure him but his voice breaks and it feels like he failed him yet again, “God Booker, I’m so sorry.”

“I can’t be here.” he says again and pulls his bag higher up on his shoulder, “I’m sorry.” 

“We’ll be here whenever you’re ready to come back.” Andy says, arms dropping defeatedly to her sides, she looks a bit hesitant before striding forward and hugging him tightly, “I’m so sorry.” 

They take their turns again, like they did on the bank of Thames a few months ago. But it doesn’t feel the same. It feels wrong but if this is what Booker needs for now, they’ll give it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what this is, I just had it in a random doc and choose to just yeet it out here, hope it's not too shit lol
> 
> My tumblr:[EbbaTriesToWrite](https://ebbatriestowrite.tumblr.com/)


End file.
